Relationship Issues Archives | Green Lake Christian Counseling

Left Behind: 8 Signs of Abandonment Issues in Relationships

Left Behind: 8 Signs of Abandonment Issues in Relationships

Noah Cordrey, Kate Motaung2024-12-11T05:53:27+00:00December 11th, 2024|Abandonment and Neglect, Christian Counseling For Teens, Featured, Individual Counseling, Relationship Issues, Trauma|

“Because separation is a clearcut and undeniable event, its effects on the child and the parent-child relationship were easier to document than more subtle influences of parental and familial interaction.” – Inge Bretherton reporting on John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth’s work with Attachment Theory As the quote above suggests, to experience abandonment implies a separation, specifically in the parent-child relationship, that is clear-cut and undeniable. To be abandoned leaves a specific kind of mark on the soul which points to a particular, distinguishable moment. More simply, if you have experienced abandonment, you will know it. To discuss the reality of being or feeling abandoned is to also talk about one’s attachment style – or style of relating – which has been first and foremost influenced by our relationships with our parents. Abandonment issues have everything to do with how we attach or don’t attach, relationally to others. In this article, we will look at eight signs or symptoms that point to underlying abandonment issues in relationships. 1. An Internal Struggle with Fear Insecurity Regarding Relationships In the realm of attachment, a child is looking to their parents to be seen, safe, soothed, and secure. At a fundamental level, the child is unable to provide these things for him/herself and must rely on their mother or father for such care. However, if the child’s parent or caregiver is unable to provide these things, this creates a state of internal panic for the child. The child learns that their caregiver is ultimately unreliable, and he/she must make a decision: “I will separate myself from my caregiver and get my needs met elsewhere”, or “I will adjust myself to mom or dad and care for their needs, in the hopes that once they’re ok I can then get my needs met.” From [...]

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The Cycle of Codependency

The Cycle of Codependency

Miranda Otsuka, Kate Motaung2024-12-20T11:24:43+00:00December 6th, 2024|Codependency, Couples Counseling, Featured, Individual Counseling, Relationship Issues|

Codependency is a dynamic where two people rely heavily on each other for mental, emotional, practical, and spiritual support in an intense and imbalanced way. There is a giver and a taker in the relationship, or a rescuer and a victim. One needs the other and takes everything they have to offer while the other gives and supports at great cost because they need to be needed. It has been described as “toxic attachment” or “dysfunctional connection” by some mental health experts. This imbalanced dynamic can feel safe and good at first, because both partakers fall so effortlessly into their role. Both receive what they have been craving on a deep level. However, over time this dynamic ends up affecting everyone involved and can cause lasting emotional trauma. The good news is that if you are caught up in a codependent dynamic, or have codependent tendencies, you are not stuck. It is possible to recognize the cycle of codependency and break free from it. Rescuers and Victims “Codependency” as a term first came into use in the context of substance addiction. In this context, a rescuer comes to the aid of an addict, or victim, and attempts to help them. The addict needs help but doesn’t want to quit their habits, and the rescuer needs to be needed but is afraid of the addict becoming independent and leaving them. By a process of manipulation and over-involvement in each other’s lives, the rescuer and addict become locked in an unhealthy dynamic where one is still abusing substances and the other has become addicted to being seen as an emotional support. We now use the term “codependency” mostly in the context of relationships, although the same dynamics are at play. There is generally a person who lowers their boundaries and denies [...]

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What is Insecure Avoidant Attachment?

What is Insecure Avoidant Attachment?

Noah Cordrey, Kate Motaung2024-12-20T11:33:09+00:00October 22nd, 2024|Abandonment and Neglect, Featured, Individual Counseling, Men’s Issues, Relationship Issues, Trauma|

Take a moment to think back on yourself as a child. Think about your relationships with your parents or caregivers. What were they like? Did you feel safe and secure around them? Was your heart met with delight? Were your desires honored with curiosity and healthy discipline? Did they attune to you when you were upset or crying? Did they comfort you and bring you back to a calm or regulated place? Insecure-avoidant attachment defined To ask the question, “What is insecure-avoidant attachment?” is to engage these core areas and narratives around desire, delight, safety, attunement, and curiosity. More specifically, it is to engage these core places where the need was not fully met by a parent or caregiver. To have an avoidant attachment is to ultimately avoid the need or desire for dependence on anyone. It is what it sounds like: avoiding attachment altogether. However, the avoidance doesn’t simply end there. People with an avoidant attachment style have learned over time to make themselves distant from their own emotions, wants, and desires. As we will see in this article, this behavior is not random. Meaning, the process of avoiding attachment has been shaped, molded, and formed through repeated interactions. It is a narrative embedded in a person’s beliefs about themselves and about how they navigate wanting intimacy in their relationships. And this is the narrative: “I am alone and on my own. I cannot depend on anyone to meet my needs.” It is an embodied narrative of deep loneliness, despair, and a longing to be seen and known. It is an internal state that is marked by abandonment and suppressed desire which can be traced back to childhood. How it comes about As we develop from infancy to childhood and into adulthood, we start in a vulnerable place. [...]

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How Do Different Attachment Styles Show Up in the World?

How Do Different Attachment Styles Show Up in the World?

Noah Cordrey, Kate Motaung2024-11-14T12:27:18+00:00September 28th, 2024|Abandonment and Neglect, Featured, Individual Counseling, Relationship Issues|

If you are currently sitting at your laptop or reading this on your phone, then you are likely asking yourself the following questions: “What is my attachment style?”, “How does my attachment style show up in the world?”, “What are the different attachment styles?”, or “Why is attachment important?” If that’s you, welcome. In the field of psychology, “” is widely understood as being “the emotional-relational bond created between a parent and child during the first few years of the child’s life.” This bond is characterized by and observed through proximity-seeking behavior from the child toward the parent, and from the parent toward the child. An attachment is formed via the repeated cycles of the child seeking connection with his or her parent, and the parent’s ability to respond to the child’s emotional needs appropriately. As these cycles are repeated, the behavior becomes ingrained as the child’s way of understanding how emotional connections and relationships happen in the world. Through the lens of attachment, the ultimate goal of the child is to establish and maintain an emotional connection with his or her parent. Emotional connection for the child means a felt sense of safety in the relationship, an understanding that emotional needs will get met, and an understanding that if the relationship is ruptured in any way repair is possible. Attachment is the primary way that a child connects with his or her parents. This connection is not simply a want or desire, but a biological need to survive. Yes, we are biologically driven to attach to others to survive. We cannot escape it. When we perceive threat or danger, we are hard-wired to seek protection from – and maintain proximity to – someone who will be there for us, and who truly knows us. It is this connection [...]

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It’s More Than Sweet Talk: 9 Tips for Healthy Communication in Marriage

It’s More Than Sweet Talk: 9 Tips for Healthy Communication in Marriage

Meluleki Ncube, Kate Motaung2024-11-14T12:33:04+00:00August 8th, 2024|Couples Counseling, Featured, Marriage Counseling, Relationship Issues|

One of the biggest tools for having a long-lasting marriage is the tool of communication. Understanding how to talk to your spouse is the key to creating a relationship that works to overcome any situation. Communication in marriage is not something that just happens. It takes a willingness to listen before speaking. God’s Word leads us in how to be good communicators in our marriage. It is up to us to apply those instructions. Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. – Ephesians 4:29, NIV Communication is not just about words. It also can be exhibited in your actions. That is why it is important to make sure your actions reflect the love you have for your spouse. When does communication affect marriage? This may seem like a needless question, but the reality is many people are not familiar with when communication affects their marriage. They may not realize that what they have said was hurtful because they were just joking. All too often people harmlessly say things not knowing how their spouse will react to what is said. Understanding how communication in marriage creates a partnership will help you learn to monitor what you say before you say it. A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. – Proverbs 15:1, NIV When there are unspoken expectations It can be wonderful when we know what each other is thinking. Then there are those times when we don’t realize that others don’t have a clue what we are thinking. When this happens, we find that we have set an expectation for an answer or an action that our spouse doesn’t realize [...]

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Make Your Garden Grow: Navigating Relationships and Personal Development

Make Your Garden Grow: Navigating Relationships and Personal Development

Kate Motaung2024-11-27T12:46:25+00:00July 25th, 2024|Family Counseling, Featured, Relationship Issues, Spiritual Development|

Nature reveals that progress grows under the right conditions. Similarly, the seeds we plant in our personal development or relationships flourish as we invest authenticity and effort. We cultivate meaningful connections when we spend time, listening, and talking with one another. Giving to others and gathering what we need is a bonus of abiding interdependently in a life-giving community, whether comprised of one individual or an entire tribe. A relational transaction isn’t the specific aim, but mutual exchanges do sustain our relationships, blessing us through the Biblical principle of sowing and reaping. We harvest what we plant, and receive what we give (Galatians 6:7). It may not return to us in the same way or from the same place, but God stands by His Word. He ensures that we will reap benefits as we release blessings into others’ lives. The Father created us for community. It happens both deliberately and organically as we offer what the Father has given to us and enjoy what He has placed in others. Hidden Treasure God placed value for each of us in someone else. We weren’t created to remain in isolation, but rather to thrive in a healthy community. Though we may value relationships, they invoke challenges. We don’t have to look far to notice the toxic evidence of people maligning and gaslighting one another. Often, people are absorbed in their own pain and resistant to the idea of embracing solutions to work through challenges. Evidence of soul wounds often reflects the areas where a small relationship issue evolved into a stronghold that can negatively impact how we view others or ourselves. We may be able to recognize traces of unresolved relationship issues in our own lives. They often manifest in how quickly we become offended or angry and remain embroiled in resentment, [...]

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When and How to Leave a Toxic Relationship

When and How to Leave a Toxic Relationship

Angela Yoon, Kate Motaung2024-11-14T12:31:17+00:00June 12th, 2024|Featured, Individual Counseling, Relationship Issues|

Our relationships play a profound role in shaping us as people. In them, we can find our most ardent supporters who challenge us to become the best versions of ourselves and to exceed even our wildest dreams. These people help us to flourish and become the loving and whole human beings that God made us to be, and they are truly a blessing in our lives. It’s also true that relationships aren’t always positive or nurturing. Some relationships are challenging; undermining our self-esteem, sense of competence, and self, diminishing us as persons, and bringing out the worst in us. Such relationships also shape us, and they affect how we view ourselves and our world, negatively impacting our relationships with others, our work or school situation, and much else besides. Not only is it helpful for us to be able to identify the second kind of relationship, but to know when and how to leave such relationships. Identifying a toxic relationship Sometimes we can find ourselves in a terrible situation, and while the people around us know what’s going on, we might be oblivious to what’s going on. Of course, it’s also possible to know that your relationship is toxic but to remain in it because it is familiar or because there seem to be few options and alternatives. It may not seem safe to leave, either. A toxic relationship is marked by a few signs, and these include: Physical violence, such as being assaulted with hands, feet, or an object. This also includes sexual abuse. Verbal, financial, and emotional abuse, including being insulted, threatened, shouted at, undermined, gaslit, manipulated, being taken advantage of. Controlling behavior, including the other person refusing you access to the car keys, always wanting to know where you are, tracking your movements, wanting access to [...]

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Giving the Green Light to Your Emotions: Relationship Advice for Men

Giving the Green Light to Your Emotions: Relationship Advice for Men

Meluleki Ncube, Kate Motaung2024-11-14T12:33:15+00:00June 7th, 2024|Featured, Individual Counseling, Men’s Issues, Relationship Issues|

Facing the unfamiliar can be daunting, precisely because you don’t know what will happen. Not only that, but you don’t know how you’ll react in that situation, or what you’ll discover about yourself. One reason we stick to a routine and often have clearly defined habits is because it makes life predictable and manageable. We know what to expect and when we seek out adventure, it’s on our terms, especially where emotions are concerned. Talking about emotions and giving them the green light can be unfamiliar territory for many men. Some may be familiar because they are socially sanctioned, but others may be harder to pin down and express for a variety of reasons. However, it’s important for the health of their relationships that men come to terms with the entire range of their emotions, and learn how to express them in a healthy way. This article will explore how emotions factor into relationships and the ways men can learn to embrace them for the health of themselves and their relationships. The role of emotions in our lives There is a broad variety of emotions that a person can experience in a single day, let alone a lifetime. If you look at one of those emotion wheels, you will glimpse the bewildering depth of feeling in us. When you watch a well-crafted movie, read a great book, or watch a nail-biting football or basketball game, you can experience a roller coaster of feelings. The fact that we have feelings isn’t an accident. God created in us the capacity to experience the world in many ways. We feel joy, awe, fear, hope, anger, sadness, anxiety, and many other emotions and shades of those emotions. Our emotions function somewhat like an instrument panel. They tell us what we are experiencing, register [...]

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Establishing Healthy Boundaries in Relationships

Establishing Healthy Boundaries in Relationships

Kate Motaung2024-11-27T12:46:40+00:00May 30th, 2024|Anger Issues, Family Counseling, Individual Counseling, Personal Development, Professional Development, Psychological Testing, Relationship Issues|

Healthy relationships consist of equal respect and honor. But sometimes, we are not clear on our expectations at the beginning of a relationship, which can cause issues later. Creating healthy boundaries in relationships lets your significant other know what you need and feel comfortable doing. If you started dating your spouse at a very young age before you knew yourself, setting boundaries now can feel awkward. As a result, your spouse may feel as if you are pushing them away. In this case, you may want to recruit the help of a couples counselor. What are Boundaries in Relationships? Boundaries in relationships are necessary to maintain independence and self-reliance. However, when boundaries become blurred, the give-or-take aspect of the relationship is no longer balanced. For example, if you don’t like your spouse to show public displays of affection, but he continues to do things that make you feel uncomfortable, you will eventually withdraw from your spouse or have an argument. However, you could have avoided a fight if you had discussed how you felt about public touching including what he wants and what makes you uncomfortable. Setting clear boundaries at the beginning of a relationship is recommended, but it is never too late to voice your needs and wants. This also means that you should consider your spouse’s needs and wants. For example, if you like to hold hands in public, but your spouse does not can you respect his wishes? A counselor can help you draw boundaries in relationships. You can set healthy boundaries for more than just the physical aspect of your relationship. The emotional, mental, material, and sexual elements are all areas you should be clear on what you will allow and the non-negotiable things that are deal breakers in your eyes. Examples of Boundaries in Relationships [...]

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Why Couples Seek Premarital Counseling

Why Couples Seek Premarital Counseling

Kate Motaung2024-11-27T12:46:55+00:00April 23rd, 2024|Couples Counseling, Featured, Marriage Counseling, Premarital Counseling, Relationship Issues|

Premarital counseling is one way to intentionally evaluate your compatibility with your future spouse. Even if you and your significant other get along great with few squabbles, premarital counseling provides a safe environment for you to open up about concerns and practice conflict resolution and communication skills. Why seek premarital counseling? Often, couples rush into a relationship, never stopping to ask the important questions, such as: How well do we communicate? How do we deal with conflict? Do we want to have children? If so, how many and when? What are our expectations for sex and emotional intimacy? Where will we live? How will we engage with extended family, and what boundaries will we set? How do our personal goals fit in with our relationship? What are areas in our life where we are rigid, and where are we flexible? How will we manage finances? How do we align in our values and religious beliefs? Premarital counseling opens the door to these discussions and uncovers possible hurdles. It allows you to work out problems before they occur and prepare for future conflicts. Armed with conflict resolution strategies, you can remind each other about finding a solution and defusing a potential argument before it gets out of hand. Choosing Christian premarital counseling will combine faith-based principles with the researched-backed methods of Psychology. Marriage expectations How you were raised may influence what you expect in your own marriage. For example, do you expect your spouse to do most of the housework because you work full-time? Do you expect to have sex most nights of the week? When arguing, will you resort to what your mother may have done and storm out of the house or slam the doors? Perhaps you have an ideal of marriage regarding your spouse. Maybe you expect [...]

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