Establishing Healthy Boundaries in Relationships

Healthy relationships consist of equal respect and honor. But sometimes, we are not clear on our expectations at the beginning of a relationship, which can cause issues later. Creating healthy boundaries in relationships lets your significant other know what you need and feel comfortable doing.

If you started dating your spouse at a very young age before you knew yourself, setting boundaries now can feel awkward. As a result, your spouse may feel as if you are pushing them away. In this case, you may want to recruit the help of a couples counselor.

What are Boundaries in Relationships?

Boundaries in relationships are necessary to maintain independence and self-reliance. However, when boundaries become blurred, the give-or-take aspect of the relationship is no longer balanced.

For example, if you don’t like your spouse to show public displays of affection, but he continues to do things that make you feel uncomfortable, you will eventually withdraw from your spouse or have an argument. However, you could have avoided a fight if you had discussed how you felt about public touching including what he wants and what makes you uncomfortable.

Setting clear boundaries at the beginning of a relationship is recommended, but it is never too late to voice your needs and wants. This also means that you should consider your spouse’s needs and wants. For example, if you like to hold hands in public, but your spouse does not can you respect his wishes?

A counselor can help you draw boundaries in relationships. You can set healthy boundaries for more than just the physical aspect of your relationship. The emotional, mental, material, and sexual elements are all areas you should be clear on what you will allow and the non-negotiable things that are deal breakers in your eyes.

Examples of Boundaries in Relationships

When we think of setting healthy boundaries in relationships, we often think of physical boundaries. But our life consists of many other areas, including our time.

Know what you will tolerate and what is not acceptable. Boundaries are not only for others to follow but also a guideline for yourself. Boundaries can remind you to be good to yourself, make others treat you with respect, keep you away from harmful behaviors, and increase your self-confidence by expressing what you want.

The following is a list of areas to consider.

Emotional Boundaries

Your emotional health is as important as your physical health. When we allow others to intrude and dismiss our feelings, our self-perception begins to wear down. It is not right for others to depend on you to make them happy. Happiness is each person’s responsibility, yet people often look to one another for satisfaction.

You are the only one experiencing your emotions. No one should make you feel ashamed for feeling a certain way.

Mental Boundaries

You have every right to have your thoughts and ideas heard and validated. A healthy relationship allows both parties to express their opinions and not dismiss the other person’s ideas quickly. In addition, if you struggle with a mental health condition like anxiety or depression, your significant other should be the safe place to turn to for support.

Some people are toxic to their significant other’s mental health by using tactics such as gaslighting, infidelity, verbal abuse, and narcissistic behavior.

Physical Boundaries

Physical boundaries can relate to anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. For example, you may not like people to initiate hugging because they must enter your personal space. Hugging is an act you want to be the one to initiate after you feel safe with someone.

In this case, if the person you are dating is a hugger you can discuss boundaries. Before they scare you off, consider discussing the boundary and tell them that as soon as you feel comfortable and safe with them, you will initiate hugging. You can also address other physical acts, like kissing.

No one has the right to force themselves into your physical space without your consent.

Sexual Boundaries

Sex is about trust. Before engaging in sex with your spouse, discuss what you feel comfortable doing. You should be able to say no to a sexual act with your spouse without them getting angry or retaliating. Sometimes, one of you will not feel like having sex. Do you have another plan for maintaining intimacy on those days? Maybe you two need a date night or a quiet evening at home, watching a movie.

Always make your desires and your non-negotiables known before and during sex. Someone who truly loves you will not make you feel ashamed, guilty, or undesirable for not wanting to do a specific sexual act or not wanting sex at a particular time.

Financial Boundaries

Are you a generous person? Sometimes people take advantage of someone who gives willingly. They may expect money and resources from you and begin to rely on you to meet their every need. You must set financial boundaries. You can still be generous, but be wary of partners who cross the line and expect you to share resources, even when you don’t want to.

Discuss this with your spouse if you have expectations about your financial future. If you are not married yet, get clear about your finances and how you would like to divide income and expenses with a spouse in the future.

Material Boundaries

One of the boundaries we often forget to set is using material resources. For example, does your spouse borrow your things without asking? Do they allow others to borrow or have things without speaking to you first? For example, maybe they don’t think twice about letting your adult child borrow your car. Or, your spouse frequently uses your computer without asking you first.

Asking someone if it is all right to use or borrow a material possession is a sign of respect. For example, even if you are married, you should still ask your husband if he would have a problem if you let the next-door neighbor use his lawnmower. Try to respect your spouse’s wishes regarding their possessions and insist that they honor yours.

Time Boundaries

Are you a stickler for others respecting your time? For example, imagine you have a set schedule throughout the day to ensure that your family gets where they need to be and you get your work done. What if your spouse decides to go to the store and insists you go with him? This may not seem like a significant inconvenience, but if your husband takes his time in the store or wants to visit a few different locations, you may find that what started as an hour out of your day is now an eight-hour jaunt.

Maybe you have experienced this with other family members. For example, perhaps you have a parent that needs you to drive them to the grocery store, but every time you take them, they are inside the store for more than an hour. Your time is just as important as anyone else’s, and you must set boundaries so that others will respect it.

Non-Negotiable Boundaries

Non-negotiable boundaries are those behaviors that you absolutely will not tolerate. These actions, like physical abuse or infidelity, are red flags for you. Make your boundaries clear on these topics. Explain that if your significant other engages in these behaviors, you will have no choice but to break up.

The problem with ignoring the consequences of non-negotiable boundaries is that once someone has broken them and you do not stand by your word, the person loses respect for you. They expect you will never leave them no matter how badly they treat you.
Make a vow to yourself that you will stand by your word and uphold your non-negotiable boundaries.

Are You Having Trouble Setting Clear Boundaries?

Someone who loves you should respect your boundaries as you should respect theirs. But it is not always easy explaining why you suddenly need boundaries in relationships without hurting the other person’s feelings. Contact our office today to set up an appointment with a couples counselor to discuss how creating boundaries will ultimately benefit your relationship.