Relationship Advice for Men: Strengthening Your Marriage Against Infidelity

Relationships are a key part of our lives. Having people to love and people who love us is one of the main things that indicate our well-being. That’s because relationships are fundamental to who we are as social and relational beings. When our relationships are healthy, it’s more likely that we feel a sense of well-being than when everything else is in order and our relationships are in disarray. This makes it imperative to nurture our relationships.

When your relationships are healthy and you have people with whom to share life, it can amplify various life experiences such as accomplishing something significant, enjoying yourself, laughing, having a great meal, or having a sense of meaning and purpose. When you feel deeply connected to others, you’ll likely carry a sense of meaning and that life has a purpose.

Marriage is among the most intimate of human relationships. You share your life, thoughts, hopes, dreams, ambitions, fears, body, finances, home, and children with the person you call “spouse”. Sharing your life with another person is an amazing journey that can also be fraught with perils. Infidelity is one of the ways a marriage can come under threat. Understanding what infidelity is and how to guard against it is vital.

Breaking Down Infidelity

If you were to ask a group of ten guys how they would define infidelity, it’s possible you’d get at least 5 different answers to that question. In our society, people have drawn personal boundaries in diverse places, and how one man understands certain practices won’t be the same as another man’s understanding. One man might not think watching pornography is problematic, while another does, for example.

In one sense, defining infidelity will be a matter of what personal boundaries one has. This makes it vital that you and your spouse communicate where those boundaries lie so that you’re both on the same page. For example, a couple may establish boundaries about whether connecting with exes on social media or following people and liking certain posts is okay. You and your spouse should have clear and honest conversations about that.

Through the lens of the Bible, infidelity is defined either by clear instructions or through principles that can guide future action. Marriage is understood as being between one man and one woman (Genesis 2:24-25; Matthew 19:1-12), and among those called believers, there shouldn’t be even a hint of sexual immorality (Ephesians 5:3), and immorality was understood as anything outside that Genesis ideal.

With this biblical ideal in mind, for the person who yields themselves to Jesus as Lord, infidelity is having sex with someone other than their spouse, and it is anything that might draw one away from their spouse and the exclusive union of marriage. That could mean pornography, but it could also mean forming an inappropriate emotional connection with someone, or it could imply certain literature or music.

The Christian life is meant to be lived according to wisdom and through leaning on the Holy Spirit. Wisdom is learned through reading Scripture with understanding, engaging with others who call Jesus their Lord, and looking at the lives of other followers of Jesus throughout the ages. The Spirit guides us, reminding us of what Jesus taught so that we’ll follow Him, and we are to keep in step with the Spirit (Galatians 5:13-26; Ephesians 5:1-20; Romans 8:1-17).

This means that while the surrounding culture endorses configurations of relationships such as open marriages, “friends with benefits”, or a what-happens-in-Vegas-stays-in-Vegas mindset, the believer in Jesus holds themselves to a different standard. Faithfulness is about honoring God and your spouse with your body because you carry the awareness that “you were bought at a price” (1 Corinthians 6:20); therefore, you’re not your own.

Reasons Why Infidelity Happens

Infidelity is one of the main reasons why divorce happens. Upwards of 40% of married couples are affected by infidelity, and that is a significant number. When infidelity occurs, it shatters trust in the relationship, and when trust is broken, it will likely raise questions about the viability of the relationship. There are many reasons why infidelity occurs; knowing the reasons can be of help in setting safeguards against violating your vows.

Marital discord and dissatisfaction When most people are asked why they think infidelity occurs, this is the reason they’ll likely name. If a person feels like their marriage isn’t fulfilling, or if there is friction in the relationship, they might have recourse to another person to meet those needs, whether physical or emotional. Infidelity, whether emotional or physical, may feel like a way to satisfy unmet needs.

Infidelity also occurs because there is a lack of commitment to the marriage and one’s spouse. That lack of commitment can happen for a variety of reasons, including losing affection and love toward them.

Self-exploration and discovery Infidelity also occurs as an outlet for the desire to discover oneself and explore new things. In certain stages of life, a person might question the choices they’ve made and wish to reacquaint themselves with who they are. Sexual exploration may form part of that self-discovery, and for some, that may issue in infidelity.

The opportunity arises spontaneously Sometimes, a combination of an opportunity presenting itself coupled with a lowering of inhibitions will result in infidelity. If alcohol and other substances are present in a given situation, lowered inhibition may result in poor decision-making and infidelity.

Mental health conditions One of the symptoms of depression in men is engaging in impulsive and risky behavior, and this includes engaging in gambling, reckless driving, having unsafe sex, or substance abuse. Bipolar disorder also causes impulsive behaviors and can contribute to why a person cheats. Additionally, having an insecure attachment style can also contribute to infidelity.

Revenge or resentment This is connected somewhat with the first reason supplied. In some cases, infidelity can take place as a form of revenge or retaliation for one’s spouse having hurt them, possibly through infidelity as well. Infidelity can happen because one spouse feels resentful for being neglected, for instance, if the other spouse is spending more time away from home.

These reasons do not absolve one or the other spouse from responsibility for their actions. Each person is responsible for their actions, and part of taking responsibility is accepting one’s choices as one’s own, without laying blame for them at someone else’s feet.

Strengthening Your Marriage

Every marriage has its points of vulnerability, and every man has his weaknesses. One of the main things to do to strengthen your marriage against infidelity is to recognize that no one is immune to it. It’s hubris to believe that you’ll never find yourself in a compromising situation where you’re crossing a boundary that you and your spouse would consider infidelity. Assume that you’re capable of infidelity and prepare accordingly.

It’s important to have honest and open communication with your spouse about what’s happening in your life. It’s better by far to rock the boat by sharing your concerns early than to nurse them until they become resentments that pave the way to an affair. If you feel like your intimacy needs aren’t being met, bring that up by speaking assertively and expressing your needs, and starting a conversation.

You can also strengthen your marriage by making accountability part of your relationship. There’s a lot that can thrive in the shadows of secrecy, and being transparent with your spouse can help you keep your actions above board. Accountability is not about being policed as much as it allows for deeper intimacy and vulnerability by giving your spouse the ability to know what’s happening in your life and on your various devices.

Nurturing intimacy in your relationship is something that needs to happen intentionally. Life is too busy, and married life can become crowded with chores and to-do lists. Carve out time to connect with your wife, whether it’s a weekly date night, time to check in at the end of each day, etc. Some couples put sex on the calendar simply because life happens, and needs can be overlooked quite unintentionally.

You should be willing to seek help, whether through marriage enrichment seminars, couples weekend getaways, or couples counseling. Taking the time to enrich your marriage, learn how to communicate better, and become better at managing conflict and resolving problems amicably will be a boon for your marriage.

Every couple can stand to improve the skills that make for a happier, more intimate, and more enriching relationship. If you would like to seek help from a couples counselor to prioritize marital fidelity, give our office a call today.