It’s More Than Sweet Talk: 9 Tips for Healthy Communication in Marriage

One of the biggest tools for having a long-lasting marriage is the tool of communication. Understanding how to talk to your spouse is the key to creating a relationship that works to overcome any situation. Communication in marriage is not something that just happens. It takes a willingness to listen before speaking. God’s Word leads us in how to be good communicators in our marriage. It is up to us to apply those instructions.

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. – Ephesians 4:29, NIV

Communication is not just about words. It also can be exhibited in your actions. That is why it is important to make sure your actions reflect the love you have for your spouse.

When does communication affect marriage?

This may seem like a needless question, but the reality is many people are not familiar with when communication affects their marriage. They may not realize that what they have said was hurtful because they were just joking. All too often people harmlessly say things not knowing how their spouse will react to what is said. Understanding how communication in marriage creates a partnership will help you learn to monitor what you say before you say it.

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. – Proverbs 15:1, NIV

When there are unspoken expectations

It can be wonderful when we know what each other is thinking. Then there are those times when we don’t realize that others don’t have a clue what we are thinking. When this happens, we find that we have set an expectation for an answer or an action that our spouse doesn’t realize is there. When that action is unmet, we feel like we have been ignored.

The arguments begin to create a negative perspective

After a prolonged amount of time that has held a lot of arguments, you may begin to look at your spouse through a negative lens. You may feel they don’t want to remain married because they never seem happy. This can lead to distance in the relationship.

Lack of speaking creates mistrust

When your spouse stops talking to you about the little things, you may become suspicious, which will create mistrust. Even though there may be no reason to distrust your spouse, you find that you are imagining situations.

The silence creates loneliness

When there is no communication in a marriage a spouse may become lonely. They may feel as though they are no longer loved. This could lead to spending less time at home.

Plans don’t revolve around being a couple

Making plans should always include you and your spouse. They shouldn’t always be based on the likes or dislikes of one. Doing the things that only you like could make your spouse feel like they don’t belong. This could be portrayed as selfishness.

Feeling alone may lead to a lack of interest in intimacy

When there is no togetherness, your spouse may no longer have an interest in intimacy. They may even choose to sleep in a different room. This can also cause you to feel as though there is something else going on with the relationship.

Everything becomes his and hers

After a long period of too little communication, you may find yourself in a marriage that is based on his and hers. This is evident when your spouse is doing their thing alone and you are doing yours. There is no togetherness when this happens.

These are just a few of the ways that a lack of communication can affect your marriage. God created man and woman to come together to create life and enjoy each other’s company. We were created to be a unit of one tied to Him. Learning to grasp the way that God intends for us to be together will help us understand how communication in marriage should bring us together.

Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone. – Colossians 4:6, NIV

Respectful communication leads to respect

When you choose communication in your marriage that reflects respect you will find your marriage growing. You and your spouse will begin to create mutual respect which will lead to a desire to be together. Removing conflict through communication can lead to a peaceful resolution when you are trying to work through a situation. Creating trust through effective communication will decrease suspicious thoughts and doubt.

Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones. – Proverbs 16:24, NIV

Keeping your words positive promotes love

When you choose to speak positively toward your spouse you are promoting love. Choosing to build up your spouse rather than criticize lets them know you are their biggest fan. There may be times that you will need to have a hard conversation but doing so with humility and grace will promote listening and growth. God wants us to build each other up and stand together in hard situations. The Bible contains scripture to help us understand how to speak using positive words.

to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and always to be gentle toward everyone. – Titus 3:2, NIV

Nine things that will promote healthy communication

Understanding that you and your spouse react to relationships differently. This means that each of you requires different levels of attention. While one of you may be regarded as clingy the other may be independent. This doesn’t mean that you cannot create a way to communicate well.

As well as understanding how each of you reacts to the need for a relationship, you should also understand that each of you may have different feelings about feelings. You may believe feelings are not all that important while your spouse believes that they should be discussed.

Learning to talk about what is going on and how it is affecting you is an important way to keep communication in marriage healthy. The best way to do this is to step away and then revisit the situation once you have had time to release any negative feelings. Then you can discuss the issue in a rational way that will promote growth.

When your spouse is speaking, listen to them wholly. Put down whatever you are doing and focus on the words that are being spoken rather than mentally preparing your answer. This will allow you to truly hear what is happening on your spouse’s end of the marriage.

Even though we tend to think that finishing each other’s sentences is a great thing, in actuality, it can be a bit disrespectful. It can come off as interrupting or talking over your spouse.

A great way to promote healthy conversation in marriage is to create a “talk space.” This is the place where you meet with your spouse and talk about the situation. This should be a space in the home other than the bedroom. By keeping it out of the bedroom you are maintaining the intimacy that is associated with that space.

Above all things avoid pointing fingers and placing blame. This only creates the need for your spouse to become defensive. When both of you are defensive you will find that it is less likely you will be able to overcome the situation.

When discussing something that has caused an issue try to use “I” statements. For instance, “When you say things like that, I feel like you are attacking the way I cook.” These statements can help your spouse understand what is bothering you and how to work through it with you.

Don’t deflect the issue. When you try to justify or deflect what has happened you are not taking responsibility for your part. Marriage is not meant to be one-sided. Both of you will make mistakes. It is up to you to own the part you played in order to put the situation to rest.

Sometimes you may have to talk about past hurts to understand why certain things affect you. Learning to talk about those hurts in a way that promotes growth is a great way to keep communication in marriage moving in a positive direction.

When to get help with communication in marriage

When you feel as though you have done everything you can and it hasn’t helped, you can always reach out to a Christian counselor. Sometimes a third party can help you see things that you and your spouse are overlooking. A Christian counselor will use faith-based tools to help you and your spouse learn healthy steps for communication in marriage.