Noah Cordrey, Green Lake Christian Counseling

The Presence of Self-Contempt in Your Story

The Presence of Self-Contempt in Your Story

Noah Cordrey, Kate Motaung2025-05-31T09:28:47+00:00June 2nd, 2025|Abandonment and Neglect, Featured, Individual Counseling, Men’s Issues, Pornography Addiction, Sexual Abuse, Sexual Addiction, Trauma|

In a previous article on shame and self-contempt, I provided a broad definition of self-contempt and gave a brief description of what it is and how it functions. If you haven’t given that article a read, I’d recommend it as I will be building on some already-established ideas about the reality of self-contempt. The goal is to narrow the focus and move our attention more specifically to self-contempt and how it shows up in the story of your life. As we explore this topic, I hope that you, the reader, will be more equipped to identify the presence of self-contempt in your own story without judgment. I hope that your curiosity will be stirred as you begin to consider questions such as, “How did I come to feel this way about myself?” “Why do I treat my body or my heart this way?” “What has shaped my beliefs about myself?” or “Is this how God views me?” In my interactions with clients and through my healing journey, I have found that self-contempt frequently resides in the subconscious realm of our awareness. This realm of our awareness is easily accessible. More often than not, things that reside in this area come to the surface without us being fully cognizant of them. This is to say that much of our self-contempt and what we believe about ourselves reside in a place that is accessible, just outside of our conscious awareness. Self-Contempt Defined In my previous article, I gave a somewhat wordy definition of self-contempt: “Self-contempt is to have contempt (the feeling that a person or a thing is beneath consideration, worthless, or deserving scorn) or loathing for oneself and one’s actions. In other words, it is to have the feeling or belief that you, or a part of you, is worthless, [...]

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When Shame and Self-contempt Show Up

When Shame and Self-contempt Show Up

Noah Cordrey, Kate Motaung2025-05-17T11:22:25+00:00May 19th, 2025|Featured, Individual Counseling, Men’s Issues, Sexual Addiction, Trauma|

Psychiatrist Curt Thompson, in his book entitled The Soul of Desire, writes, “Evil’s intention for our space and time is very different than the creation of beauty, and it is difficult to resist its attempts to get a foothold. Evil intends not only to cut us off from God and each other; it intends to annihilate beauty and tempts us to do the same in our response to shame and fear.” In the work of engaging the story of your life, you will inevitably come across moments and memories that will provoke you toward feeling shame and self-contempt. This is especially true if you have experienced trauma. Even if you have not experienced trauma, this is true due to the reality of living in a broken and fallen world. The impact of shame and self-contempt is an indicator that everything is not as it is meant to be. Shame and Self-Contempt Defined What is shame? Shame is the painful emotional experience of humiliation and distress caused by the realization of “I’ve done something wrong.” Being ashamed is the internalization of this humiliation and distress, which changes the narrative from “I’ve done something wrong” to “I am bad for doing this.” In other words, to be ashamed is to internalize the humiliation as a means of coping with the emotional distress produced in or through the given situation. Shame typically expresses itself through little sentences that we say about ourselves, such as, “I’m so stupid for doing that” or “I’m not attractive enough to date him or her.” Whether these resonate with you or not, the point is that we all have our own versions of these types of sentences that run through our minds. It is a way to cope with the emotional pain and helplessness that come from experiencing [...]

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Fury Within: Understanding Intense Anger

Fury Within: Understanding Intense Anger

Noah Cordrey, Kate Motaung2025-03-14T07:00:35+00:00March 14th, 2025|Anger Issues, Featured, Individual Counseling, Men’s Issues, Pornography Addiction|

What have you been taught about anger? Perhaps anger has been described to you as a monster that lives on the inside. Somewhere deep down where nobody else is supposed to see it: a monster that rears its head when stress or anxiety are at their peak, when a friend or relative disrespects you in front of others, or when you are deeply frustrated that you’re still struggling with the same issue despite asking God numerous times to take it away. Maybe you have come to picture anger as something you’re supposed to keep in a tightly sealed bottle. A bottle kept far away from sunlight and other people out of fear that if you begin to lift the lid, it could wreak havoc in your own heart and your relationships. Do you ever feel like you have a monster living on the inside? What do you do when you sense that monster coming to the surface? Anger is an incredibly valuable emotion. It communicates to us that there is a need for something to move or for something to change in us and our surroundings. It tells us when a personal boundary has been crossed as well as when we have experienced a sense of injustice. In most instances, our bodies produce physical symptoms in response to feeling intense anger. For example, you’re eating dinner with your family, and your father begins to openly criticize you for your performance in your most recent baseball game. As he speaks, your jaw starts to clench, your shoulders start to tighten, and you want to yell at him to stop. Or you’re out with a group of friends and one of them starts bad-mouthing a friend of yours who isn’t present. Your stomach begins to tighten, your brow furrows, your face [...]

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Left Behind: 8 Signs of Abandonment Issues in Relationships

Left Behind: 8 Signs of Abandonment Issues in Relationships

Noah Cordrey, Kate Motaung2024-12-11T05:53:27+00:00December 11th, 2024|Abandonment and Neglect, Christian Counseling For Teens, Featured, Individual Counseling, Relationship Issues, Trauma|

“Because separation is a clearcut and undeniable event, its effects on the child and the parent-child relationship were easier to document than more subtle influences of parental and familial interaction.” – Inge Bretherton reporting on John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth’s work with Attachment Theory As the quote above suggests, to experience abandonment implies a separation, specifically in the parent-child relationship, that is clear-cut and undeniable. To be abandoned leaves a specific kind of mark on the soul which points to a particular, distinguishable moment. More simply, if you have experienced abandonment, you will know it. To discuss the reality of being or feeling abandoned is to also talk about one’s attachment style – or style of relating – which has been first and foremost influenced by our relationships with our parents. Abandonment issues have everything to do with how we attach or don’t attach, relationally to others. In this article, we will look at eight signs or symptoms that point to underlying abandonment issues in relationships. 1. An Internal Struggle with Fear Insecurity Regarding Relationships In the realm of attachment, a child is looking to their parents to be seen, safe, soothed, and secure. At a fundamental level, the child is unable to provide these things for him/herself and must rely on their mother or father for such care. However, if the child’s parent or caregiver is unable to provide these things, this creates a state of internal panic for the child. The child learns that their caregiver is ultimately unreliable, and he/she must make a decision: “I will separate myself from my caregiver and get my needs met elsewhere”, or “I will adjust myself to mom or dad and care for their needs, in the hopes that once they’re ok I can then get my needs met.” From [...]

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What is Insecure Avoidant Attachment?

What is Insecure Avoidant Attachment?

Noah Cordrey, Kate Motaung2024-12-20T11:33:09+00:00October 22nd, 2024|Abandonment and Neglect, Featured, Individual Counseling, Men’s Issues, Relationship Issues, Trauma|

Take a moment to think back on yourself as a child. Think about your relationships with your parents or caregivers. What were they like? Did you feel safe and secure around them? Was your heart met with delight? Were your desires honored with curiosity and healthy discipline? Did they attune to you when you were upset or crying? Did they comfort you and bring you back to a calm or regulated place? Insecure-avoidant attachment defined To ask the question, “What is insecure-avoidant attachment?” is to engage these core areas and narratives around desire, delight, safety, attunement, and curiosity. More specifically, it is to engage these core places where the need was not fully met by a parent or caregiver. To have an avoidant attachment is to ultimately avoid the need or desire for dependence on anyone. It is what it sounds like: avoiding attachment altogether. However, the avoidance doesn’t simply end there. People with an avoidant attachment style have learned over time to make themselves distant from their own emotions, wants, and desires. As we will see in this article, this behavior is not random. Meaning, the process of avoiding attachment has been shaped, molded, and formed through repeated interactions. It is a narrative embedded in a person’s beliefs about themselves and about how they navigate wanting intimacy in their relationships. And this is the narrative: “I am alone and on my own. I cannot depend on anyone to meet my needs.” It is an embodied narrative of deep loneliness, despair, and a longing to be seen and known. It is an internal state that is marked by abandonment and suppressed desire which can be traced back to childhood. How it comes about As we develop from infancy to childhood and into adulthood, we start in a vulnerable place. [...]

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How Do Different Attachment Styles Show Up in the World?

How Do Different Attachment Styles Show Up in the World?

Noah Cordrey, Kate Motaung2024-11-14T12:27:18+00:00September 28th, 2024|Abandonment and Neglect, Featured, Individual Counseling, Relationship Issues|

If you are currently sitting at your laptop or reading this on your phone, then you are likely asking yourself the following questions: “What is my attachment style?”, “How does my attachment style show up in the world?”, “What are the different attachment styles?”, or “Why is attachment important?” If that’s you, welcome. In the field of psychology, “” is widely understood as being “the emotional-relational bond created between a parent and child during the first few years of the child’s life.” This bond is characterized by and observed through proximity-seeking behavior from the child toward the parent, and from the parent toward the child. An attachment is formed via the repeated cycles of the child seeking connection with his or her parent, and the parent’s ability to respond to the child’s emotional needs appropriately. As these cycles are repeated, the behavior becomes ingrained as the child’s way of understanding how emotional connections and relationships happen in the world. Through the lens of attachment, the ultimate goal of the child is to establish and maintain an emotional connection with his or her parent. Emotional connection for the child means a felt sense of safety in the relationship, an understanding that emotional needs will get met, and an understanding that if the relationship is ruptured in any way repair is possible. Attachment is the primary way that a child connects with his or her parents. This connection is not simply a want or desire, but a biological need to survive. Yes, we are biologically driven to attach to others to survive. We cannot escape it. When we perceive threat or danger, we are hard-wired to seek protection from – and maintain proximity to – someone who will be there for us, and who truly knows us. It is this connection [...]

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Noah Cordrey

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