Does He Have a Fear of Commitment?

Commitment is the only way to make a relationship work in the long term. Yet, many people cannot seem to give themselves 100% to another person. They have a fear of commitment and being vulnerable.

But what does the Bible say about commitment and marriage? How can we decipher if our significant other is the one? We can look for clues as to whether he has a fear of commitment.

What is the fear of commitment?

Commitment is defined as being dedicated to a cause or restricting behaviors and actions in an attempt to uphold that decision. (Oxford Languages Dictionary) For example, we have relationships, family, church, and work commitments. We dedicate ourselves to a particular person, company, place, obligation, or faith and stand by the commitment.

Why does it seem like people have difficulty committing to relationships, and how do you know if your significant other harbors a fear of commitment?

The reasons for the fear of commitment vary. It could stem from one’s childhood, modeling one’s parents’ tumultuous relationship as something he does not want for himself. He could have experienced heartbreak from a past relationship, which makes him wary of putting in the emotional work for a healthy relationship.

He might not be emotionally mature enough for a serious relationship yet. If he jumps too quickly into an engagement or marriage with a fear of commitment, the chances of a breakup or divorce are greater.

Marriage is a union modeled after our relationship with God. God asks us to be faithful to Him (loyalty to the One and Only God). He asks us to forsake all others and commit to Him and His purpose and calling for our lives.

The relationship you have with your spouse should be the same. But if your husband still fears committing to you, serious issues may arise, such as infidelity, adultery, and lying.

Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. – Hebrews 13:4, NIV

Nine Examples of Fear of Commitment

What does the fear of commitment look like? The following is a list of red-flag behaviors that may indicate that your boyfriend is having doubts. However, every man is different, so do not assume he has an issue. Instead, talk with him about how his actions make you feel. A few sessions of couples counseling may be all you need to get back on track and move forward in the relationship.

He sabotages the relationship

Does it seem as if your boyfriend picks fights with you? Does he do things to upset you? Although he may deny his actions are meant to hurt you, can you see a pattern? Men who fear commitment will sabotage the relationship, even if they are unaware that this is what they are doing. When you call him out, he may deny it initially, but eventually, it might plant a seed in his mind that his actions or words are ruining a good thing.

He does not share too many personal details

Does your boyfriend know everything about you but is tight-lipped about his personal life? Does it feel like pulling teeth to get him to open up about anything? For example, after dating for a few months, your boyfriend may know about your childhood, family, friends, and personal goals. However, he has not shared those details with you about his own life. Instead, he may skim over them with vague answers or change the subject entirely.

He points out flaws and faults

Insecure men tend to point out the flaws in other people. For example, he may comment on your appearance or make snide remarks about a server at a restaurant if they mess up his order. He may get angry quickly and refuse to cut others slack, never seeing his own flaws or faults. He may initially aim his judgmental comments at others but redirect them to you the longer you are together.

He is unreliable

Does your boyfriend leave you waiting, maybe for a ride or to join you for an event? Does he show up late or, worse, forget about your date? If he is unreliable, it may be because he is not invested in the relationship. He may be treating you as an option rather than prioritizing the relationship. You will want to make sure this is the case and not that he is just disorganized and loses track of time.

He has a history of failed relationships

If you are not sure if your boyfriend self-sabotages his relationships, ask him about his past girlfriends. Why did they break up? Did it end on good terms, or does it sound like he blames others for relationships that did not work out? Not every relationship will last, but if he has had several, you may want to ask yourself why.

His exes are not the type he would marry

When serious about marriage and starting a family, you look for a partner who exhibits the qualities you want in a husband. You want your husband to uphold the same values as you. Men are the same when considering marriage to a woman unless they are not ready for that type of commitment.

For example, if they are not ready, they might date women who like to stay out late and party. They may date a woman who is not exclusive or is unavailable (married). The women he dates are unobtainable and unlikely to be marriage material.

He has an underlying fear of rejection

If you can get your boyfriend to open up about his personal life and childhood, do you notice a theme? Did he face rejection in the past that may have tainted his view of relationships in a negative light? The fear of commitment is tightly wound around the fear of rejection.

Often, men will stay emotionally distant to protect themselves, especially after experiencing heartbreak or childhood trauma. For example, you may learn that his ex had an affair with a friend or that his mother left him when he was young. Distancing himself from you is an attempt to protect himself.

He never makes concrete plans

How is your dating life? Do you go out in public, go on trips, or attend events together? Or do you mostly stay indoors at either your place or his? Do you feel like you can never get him to make plans with you?

Men who want to avoid committing like to keep their options open, so they are hesitant about making future plans. They may ask you to be their plus one at a wedding only a week before the event, while they skate around the subject of buying tickets for a concert three months away.

He does not introduce you to his family and friends

If he fears commitment, your boyfriend may not see the point in introducing you to his friends and family. He might have a history of failed relationships or does not date exclusively, while the relationships with his friends and family are solid.

Have you met his family? Do you get to hang out with his friends? When you are with the people close to him, how do they act while you are around? Sometimes friends will distance themselves from the girlfriend of a man who tends to date many different women.

Do you need relationship help?

Not all relationships need to end if he has a fear of commitment, but is willing to do the work to overcome those issues. A Christian counselor in Washington can help your boyfriend find the root of his doubts and vulnerability, bring it to light, and use psychological techniques to overcome those fears.

Contact us today at Seattle Christian Counseling for relationship help in Washington. We offer various counseling formats like individual and couples therapy in Seattle and its surroundings.