Common Signs of Gaslighting in a Relationship

Gaslighting has existed for as long as human relationships have, but it’s only recently gotten significant public attention. Through pop culture and social media, the term, which is derived from a 1938 play titled “Gas Light,” has made its way into everyday conversation.

In the story, a husband systematically manipulates his wife into questioning her own sanity. These days, the term describes emotional manipulation and abuse where the abuser, or gas lighter, uses mind games to control the victim, making them doubt their own perceptions, memories, and even their own grip on reality.

If you’re in a relationship that often has you scratching your head and questioning your own memory and perceptions, you may be in a relationship where gaslighting is at play. You might also start to wonder about what is real or feel guilty about things you don’t quite understand. Gaslighters love to twist the truth to make you feel as if you’re to blame, even when you are innocent of their accusations.

Here are some things to look for if you suspect you might be experiencing gaslighting in a relationship.

1. Persistent self-doubt While self-doubt can be a sign of other issues in your life, such as low self-esteem, it can also be a sign of gaslighting. If you have noticed that you’re constantly questioning your own memories or perceptions, or if your partner is consistently dismissing your feelings or experiences, you may be a victim of gaslighting.Gas lighters often accuse their victims of “overreacting” or “being overly sensitive.” This consistent manipulation can cause the victim to second-guess their own authentic memories and perceptions of reality.

2. Cognitive dissonance If you’re a victim of gaslighting, you may experience a sense of losing touch with reality. Your partner, or abuser, might insist that you said something that you never said or that you did something that never happened. Even though you are certain that the events they accuse you of never happened, you may start to secretly wonder if you’re in the wrong. If you have ever longed for a video recording of your life in order to prove your side of the story, you may be a victim of gaslighting.

3. Accusations of mental instability In some extreme cases, the abuser might directly question your mental health. They may try to appear concerned about your well-being and suggest that you seek professional help because you are not thinking rationally. If this is your situation, seek out professional help from someone you feel comfortable with and not one chosen by your abuser.

4. Excessive apologizing If you find yourself frequently apologizing for your actions, and particularly, your reactions, it could indicate that your partner is making you feel responsible for their behavior and things beyond your control.

5. Social Isolation Gaslighters often attempt to isolate their partners from friends, family, and other support systems. If loved ones express concern about you or your relationship, it may be worth paying attention to their perspective. Gaslighters know that there is power in support and will try to isolate you from yours in order to limit your power and elevate their own.

6. Denying past events Your partner may frequently deny things that they have done or said or reinvent past events. Phrases like, “I’ve never said that” or “You’re just imagining things,” can be red flags in a relationship. Keep a journal to help you remember past events accurately.

7. False narratives Gaslighters often create narratives that portray themselves as victims or heroes while casting you as the aggressor or the one at fault.

8. Deflection Gaslighters will hope to turn your support system away from you and in their direction by flipping reality in their favor. When you approach them or attempt to discuss your concerns, gaslighters might change the subject to avoid accountability, leaving you feeling unheard and frustrated and with no hope for change.

9. Boundary violations If your abuser consistently violates your personal boundaries, whether they are emotional, physical, financial, or digital, you should take action. Reestablish or set new boundaries and insist that they respect those boundaries or institute some consequences such as cutting off contact when they are violated.

10. Alternating Affection Love bombing followed by devaluation is a cycle that gaslighters use to manipulate their victims. They may shower you with excessive affection and attention, known as love bombing, and then suddenly withdraw it. This is often followed by criticism or coldness and creates an emotional roller coaster. It can leave you feeling disoriented, as if you have disappointed your abuser or made them less attracted to you.

Getting Support

Every relationship has its challenges, but if you recognize these signs of gaslighting, it might be beneficial to seek professional help from a mental health expert. Relationships should ultimately contribute to your growth in Christ and your well-being. If you find yourself consistently unhappy, anxious, or doubting yourself, it might be time to reevaluate your potentially toxic relationship.

If you reach out to our offices today, we can help you. By setting up an appointment with a therapist in our practice, you can begin a healing journey towards life giving relationships. Begin now and find freedom.