Soul Care: Identity Formation

What makes up the foundation of your being?

If you were to think of yourself as a house, the foundation of your house is underground and unseen. Similarly, your soul is the unseen foundation of your being and of who you are. Knowing what makes up the foundation of who you are is an essential part of becoming a healthy and integrated human being.

A major part of your soul is your identity. Dr. Rob Reimer says, “What you believe about yourself is the foundation of your life; it is your identity, and a faulty foundation will create cracks in the soul. If you are going to construct a healthy life, it begins with what you believe about yourself.”

What is your identity built upon?

A way that you can begin to answer this question is to start examining what you believe about yourself. Not what you want other people to think or believe about you, but what do you think about yourself?

Let’s take Dr. Reimer’s words into deeper consideration as we think about identity. Using his framework for understanding how the shaping of our souls informs the outworking of our identity, to properly comprehend our identity, we must first understand what our belief system is built upon.

Each of us has an internal belief system. It has been formed, shaped, and molded over the course of our lives. This has likely happened through our various life experiences, including what we were taught about ourselves and about the world around us at a young age.

We tend to expose our internal belief system in different ways. One common way we do this is through talking about ourselves and others. This internal data is not as hard to reach as people might think. It is constantly running in our subconscious or unconscious mind. We are often simply unaware of this internal system because we have not taken the time to slow down and examine our inner world.

Another way that we can discover our internal belief system is by observing how we treat others and how we treat ourselves. What I mean by this is that our behaviors and actions are a language of their own that we often fail to decipher.

For example, someone could say that they have a goal to work out more. However, when the time comes to go for a run or go to the gym and lift weights, they choose to put on a TV show instead. Or perhaps someone says that they want to have greater self-control over their money. Yet, when they get their paycheck, they run to spend it on a clothing sale.

While both examples may appear benign, they point to a deeper, inner reality. Additionally, because there is an incongruence between their words and actions, this also exposes the truth about the person’s inner reality.

Examining Our Identity

The point is this: we must take the time with God and others to examine our inner belief system. The purpose of examining what our identity is built upon is to become who you were supposed to be.

Dr. Reimer continues by saying, “A key problem with our identity is that we often believe lies about ourselves rather than the truth. These lies are like building a house on a faulty foundation, and they leave us with cracks in our soul. The power of a lie is in our agreement with it. Whatever we agree with, we give power to. If you agree with the truth, and hold on to the truth, the truth will set you free, but if you agree with a lie, its influence will cast a shadow in your life.”

Again, this is why taking the time to examine what we believe about ourselves is critically important in the process of tending to our heart and soul. What you believe about yourself has the potential to shape various aspects of your life.

I was once in a session with a client where I asked, “What do you believe your identity is built upon?” This individual responded by saying, “My identity is built on the foundation of Jesus Christ and his love for me.” While this was an impressive answer, it was not entirely true. As the session progressed, this person started opening up about how they had been taught to earn connection and acceptance from others.

This was the truth of the matter at hand. This was what this person’s identity had been built upon. Part of this person’s belief system involved believing that connection and acceptance from others must be earned. It had deeply formed this person’s identity and had an immense influence on their actions, behaviors, motivations, thoughts, and feelings.

As it turned out, we discovered that this belief of needing to earn connection and acceptance from others was the primary belief being triggered in various relational conflicts. Whenever this belief was triggered, this individual would be left disoriented, anxious, and in a state of shock. These feelings would further lead this person to avoid conflict altogether, leaving them to feel like a failure in the relationship.

Why this reaction? What they were coming to realize was that they had built so much of their identity on believing that connection and acceptance were earned. Their strategies for achieving connection and acceptance were not working as well as they used to.

Relational conflict meant (for this person) that they had failed to earn the connection and acceptance they desired, leading them to pull away and avoid the conflict altogether. Conflict was the reminder of their perceived failure, leading them to identify as a failure in the relationship.

Do you see the incongruence? Why would someone whose identity was built on the love of God equally express that they needed to earn connection and acceptance? A lie had been set into the foundation of this person’s soul, impacting their belief system and way of operating in the world. They were experiencing this internal incongruence because they had believed this particular lie.

Relational conflict was shedding light on the internal working model and belief system this person was operating in. The core issue was not that this person was a failure, but rather that they had agreed with a lie and built an identity founded on performance.

What We Can Learn

There are a few important takeaways from this. 1) Humans are incredibly susceptible to deception. 2) Our coping strategies for distress, anxiety, depression, or pain reveal to us our internal beliefs about ourselves. 3) If we are quick to make sense of our hurt and pain by blaming ourselves, we have not built our identity on a solid foundation. It is important to slow down and pay attention to these things.

Our identity is formed from childhood and adolescence onward. During this developmental stage, we are trying to figure out who we are and find our place in the world. We are attempting to answer the question of where we belong. We take input and try to formulate an answer based on several things, like our family of origin, what types of friends we have, what music or style of fashion we like, etc.

As we begin to find belonging in specific places, we may start to make specific identity statements. For example, a high school girl takes a job at a coffee shop. When describing herself or her personality, she may say, “I’m a barista, and I like making specialty coffee.” Or consider a middle school boy who spends a lot of time with friends who skateboard. He may say, “I’m a skater.”

In both instances, these hypothetical individuals are ascribing an identity statement to themselves based on what they work for, what they like to do in their spare time, and who they spend time with.

Similarly, that same boy or girl may grow up in a chaotic home environment where their mother is an alcoholic or their father is absent a lot for work. Over the course of time, they come to believe that they have to appear perfect for mom not to be upset and go on a drinking binge. Or they come to believe that since dad is always gone for work, they cannot bring their needs to him when they’re hurting because their needs are not as important as his work.

In the first instance, that child may start to build a portion of their identity, value, and worth on appearing perfect and put together to be accepted. In the second instance, that child may build a portion of their identity, value, and worth on the idea that they’re not good enough to receive care and affection. These internalized beliefs then become a major part of their identity, solidified by repeated experiential evidence over time.

Next Steps

I’d like to propose that you, reader, engage in a simple exercise that may help you get closer to understanding what has formed your identity. Take 15-20 minutes to ask the Holy Spirit and intentionally answer one or more of the following questions:

• What were the things that your parents said to you regularly?
• What family slogans do you remember, either spoken or unspoken?
• What are the shaping experiences of your life? Specifically, pay attention to any repeated experiences.
• What are the things you catch yourself saying to yourself?
• What are three lies that specifically impact my life the most? How do they show up in my life?
• What makes you feel the most vulnerable?
• What image of yourself are you most attached to?
• What are you defensive about?
• How do you use these things to fend off your feelings of vulnerability?

As you begin to uncover these deeper aspects of who you are, I would love to offer myself as a resource. This is heart and soul work that is worth giving time and attention to. If you’re interested in pursuing counseling, I am currently open to receiving new clients in Bothell and Green Lake. Please do not hesitate to reach out via email, or you can contact the reception team to get paired with a counselor.