The Silent Grief of Pregnancy Loss

Pregnancy loss is the most common reason for losing a baby during pregnancy. It occurs in up to one in every four pregnancies. If it happens before 20 weeks of gestation, it is typically referred to as a miscarriage, or spontaneous abortion, whereas babies who die 20 weeks or more into the pregnancy are considered stillbirths.

There is a unique pain that comes from preparing a place in your heart for a child that never comes – David Platt.

A Grief Often Minimized and Misunderstood

Most pregnancy losses happen during the first trimester. Because of this risk, many couples choose not to announce their pregnancy until after the first trimester, and as a result, if they do lose their baby during this time, they wind up mourning their loss in private without anyone else being aware of it, and their grief remains silent and unspoken. Even loved ones who may know about it don’t usually recognize the depth of their pain.

Pregnancy loss tends to be minimized, misunderstood, and considered less significant than the death of a live person by our culture. Because it is a loss that is not visible to others or does not fit the norm, it is often not openly acknowledged, publicly mourned, or supported.

Whereas losing a child, for instance, is commonly acknowledged as one of the most heart-wrenching experiences imaginable, pregnancy loss is more likely to be reacted to with an indifferent shrug, leading you to feel shame and inadequacy along with your anguish.

There are no established rituals for mourning pregnancy loss, no traditional observances or other supports that typically accompany loss, no funeral, memorial service, or grave to visit, all of which make it especially hard to process and work through your grief.

What Makes Pregnancy Loss Unique

One of the biggest differences between pregnancy loss and other losses is that pregnancy loss is a loss of the future rather than the past. The joy of finding out that you were pregnant was all too soon replaced by the heartbreak of a tomorrow forever lost. You have no memories to look back on, and with the death of your hopes and dreams, you may feel as though you have not only lost a baby, but a part of yourself as well.

Making It Through the Pain of Your Loss

The emotional impact of a pregnancy loss usually takes longer to heal than does the physical recovery. Allow yourself to grieve. You have lost an unborn child and may be going home to a prepared but unused nursery. The pain is real. Expect a variety of emotions. Let yourself feel them all without judging them.

The following are some suggestions to help you through the healing process.

Reach out Reach out to those closest to you for comfort and support, and focus on coping one day at a time.

Find ways to honor your baby’s memory Give your unborn baby a name and find ways to remember him or her. Even in the absence of traditional observances, you can develop your own. Hold a memorial service, for instance, and have a letting-go ritual such as releasing helium balloons into the air.

Other things you can do are plant a tree or flowering shrub in your baby’s honor, or create a piece of art, or a memory book in which you write down thoughts, feelings, and memories about your pregnancy, as well as the hopes and dreams you had for your baby that never had a chance to be. Include a poem or letter to your baby about your sadness over all the things you never got to do or celebrate together, or create a piece of art.

Do things that give you joy It’s okay to feel sad, but don’t let your sadness control you. Laughing and doing things you enjoy is also okay. Feeling joy amid sorrow does not dishonor your loss.

Differences In the Way Men and Women Grieve Pregnancy Loss

Men and women tend to grieve pregnancy loss differently. Women may experience more intense emotions, be more willing to ask for help, and find it easier to share their feelings. Men, on the other hand, tend to talk less, suppress their feelings, and grieve alone. They may use distraction to cope or engage in compensatory behavior such as increased alcohol consumption or immersing themselves in work.

Levels of bonding are also different. A woman may start bonding with her unborn child from the moment she has a positive pregnancy test, whereas a man may not start bonding until there are physical signs of the baby, such as feeling him or her kick or seeing an ultrasound. These differences can cause strain in your relationship.

Recognize that you both are in a lot of pain, even though you may show it in different ways. Be patient and caring with one another, and don’t shut each other out. Talk about your thoughts and feelings, accept the differences in your coping styles, and be validating of one another.

Words of Hope and Comfort From The Bible

While there are no specific verses about miscarriage in the Bible, there are several passages that offer comfort and reassurance, reminding us that God does not stand aloof from our pain but instead offers strength and support in the midst of it. The heartbreak of pregnancy loss does not have to be void of hope or healing.

The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. – Psalm 34:18, ESV

We are not alone in our suffering. Hardships are inevitable in this broken world, but even amid our sorrow, God is aware of our heartbreak and assures us of His presence with us in our pain. He will walk through it with us and will not let us be crushed.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. – Psalm 147:3, ESV

Even in our deepest sorrow, we can be assured that God sees our pain and is the ultimate healer of our broken hearts.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. – Psalm 139:13-16, NIV

Even though your baby’s life was cut short, it was significant and had a purpose, and you can have the assurance that he or she is in the arms of a loving God.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort wit which we ourselves are comforted by God. – 2 Corinthians 1:3-4, ESV

God is compassionate and will not let us suffer alone. Not only is He the source of all comfort, but He wants us to extend the same comfort we receive from Him to others who are also hurting.

Cast your burden on the LORD, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved. – Psalm 55:22, ESV

God does not want us to carry the weight of our grief and loss alone. He wants us to cast our burden on Him and let Him sustain us with His strength and support.

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, not pain anymore, for the former things have passed away. – Revelation 21:4, ESV

Today’s pain is only temporary. There is a day when we will no longer suffer. This verse offers a glimpse of the ultimate healing and restoration that awaits those who have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

Christian Counseling for Pregnancy Loss

Christian counseling involves a combination of secular clinical interventions, biblical principles, and prayer. It integrates faith and emotional healing, and fosters hope amid the pain of your pregnancy loss.

If you would like to set up a risk-free appointment to meet with one of the faith-based grief counselors at our location, please give us a call.