5 Tips for Working Through Anticipatory Grief

There’s something about waiting that’s hard. Perhaps it’s not knowing how things will turn out, or it’s the desire in us to work with something we know. It could also be that we want to simply move from the situation we’re in to someplace else. Life feels like it’s about movement, which makes staying still and waiting quite a hard task.

The hard task of waiting is captured quite well in The Lord of The Rings. One of the main characters, Pippin, is in a city that’s on edge due to an imminent attack by the enemy’s force. Pippin says, “I don’t want to be in a battle, but waiting on the edge of one I can’t escape is even worse.” That waiting can be harder than what is awaited.

This is true in many areas of our lives. The hours before an important date, job interview, examination, or other important event can be nerve-wracking. It’s no different when we’re faced with something as unpleasant as the loss of a loved one.

What Is Anticipatory Grief?

When we think of grief, we typically think of it occurring after a loss has happened. For most people, they enter grief when they experience loss. The loss could be the death of a loved one, divorce or separation, the end of a treasured dream, or losing one’s home and community.

However, grief doesn’t only set in after events have already unfolded. The emotions and thoughts associated with grief can be triggered and experienced before the loss has happened. The term “anticipatory grief” refers to the psychological and emotional response a person has to a loss that hasn’t yet happened, but that is in the process of occurring or is likely to occur. It’s grief that sets in even though circumstances haven’t yet changed.

Some circumstances are typically associated with anticipatory grief. Anticipatory grief is triggered when a loved one receives a serious health diagnosis and prognosis or is battling a terminal illness. Anticipatory grief may also be due to the fact of a loved one’s declining health or old age, or because a separation is impending. Loss seems inevitable, and grief sets in before the loss actually occurs.

Some Reasons Why it Occurs

We don’t all process situations in the same way, and one reason anticipatory grief happens is that it’s a way for an individual to begin to process and prepare themselves for the inevitable. Past experiences of loss can play a role in experiencing grief before loss occurs. Anticipatory grief can prevent someone from being fully present with their loved one before they lose them.

We don’t always live in the present. Our hearts and minds will often wander toward the past or the future. Milestone events like birthdays and anniversaries can move us toward hope and excitement, but also toward grief. The fact of being deeply emotionally invested in another person can make the thought of losing them unbearable, triggering grief unexpectedly and prematurely.

The Effects of Anticipatory Grief

Anticipatory grief is just like grief in that looks back and is a response to loss that has occurred. When a person anticipates grief, they begin to emotionally prepare themselves for the loss, adjusting to the reality of the situation and what it will mean. Anticipatory grief can be as intense as grief experienced after the loss, with the same experience of anger, guilt, relief, denial, and shock.

Another effect of anticipatory grief is that it can move a person to want to make lasting memories with their loved one. If you anticipate that you will lose your loved one, you’ll cherish your remaining time together all the more, leading you to want to spend time with them and to make memories that you can hold onto after they’re gone. Such memory-making may be part of coming to terms with and accepting the loss.

A person undergoes mixed emotions such as feelings of sadness, anxiety, guilt, anger, relief, and acceptance, all of which can coexist. These emotions and their implications may be difficult to process, requiring a safe space to explore them and come to terms with them. Grieving people may seek support from friends, family, or professionals such as counselors or therapists.

Lastly, anticipatory grief can also bring about the beginning of role adjustments. If you’re anticipating losing your loved one, it can lead you to begin redefining your relationships, roles, and responsibilities in line with that impending loss. One might begin pulling away from some relationships that were closely associated with the loved one, for instance. It may also strengthen some bonds as well.

Anticipatory grief may have positive effects such as helping an individual to begin processing their emotions gradually, strengthening existing relationships, space to make lasting memories with loved ones, and begin planning for the future. It can be one path toward finding closure.

On the other hand, anticipatory grief can have its share of troubles, including emotional exhaustion. It may be a long while until the loss occurs, and the event of the loss could also trigger grief. Anticipatory grief can lead to mental health challenges such as stress, anxiety, and depression. A person may struggle to cope with the reality of their situation, and anticipatory grief can also strain relationships where people are in different emotional spaces.

Working Effectively through Anticipatory Grief

People work through grief in their own way, and grief hits others sooner than later. If you have a loved one who’s undergoing anticipatory grief, it’s important not to shame or ostracize them for how they’re processing the impending loss. Part of why relationships can get strained is that to others, anticipatory grief may seem premature or as giving up hope and the fight.

If you have a loved one who’s experiencing anticipatory grief, you can come alongside them by listening attentively to them. You can validate their emotions and allow yourself to remain open to what they’re telling you about their experience. Just as you would with someone who’s experienced loss, you can offer practical help, as well as respect their boundaries.

If you’re the one experiencing anticipatory grief, it’s important to recognize that grief of various kinds is still a process, and it takes time to work through. The key is to acknowledge and work through the emotions that come with it, with a willingness to seek support and help. Some of the ways to work through anticipatory grief include the following:

Acknowledge your thoughts and emotions

Grief needs to be processed, and the first step toward that is to acknowledge what you’re going through and feeling. Recognize and accept your feelings of anxiety, anger, sadness, relief, or guilt that may be associated with the impending loss. You can also identify any fears you may have, such as the uncertainty about what the loss will mean.

Express yourself

Processing grief also includes being able to give expression to what you’re going through. Whether that means sharing your thoughts and feelings with trusted loved ones, journaling, or engaging in creative endeavors, it’s important to give voice to your experiences.

Take care of yourself

Grief can take a physical, mental, and emotional toll. You must take care of yourself, by maintaining a balanced diet, getting adequate sleep, and doing regular exercise. Find ways to relax. Self-care also includes taking breaks to rest and rejuvenate yourself and being mindful so that you can be present in the moment.

Prepare yourself

For some, part of how to process and work through the changes to come is by preparing for them. This includes things like discussing the end-of-life desires of your loved one, doing estate planning, or being intentional about creating memories by recording stories and family histories, planning meaningful activities, or making video messages.

Another part of preparation is reconciling yourself with what is to come. This could include reflecting on memories of your loved one, cherishing the memories you have of them while also reflecting on their impact and the legacy they leave behind. Dealing with your grief may also require you to release feelings of guilt, responsibility, or regret concerning your loved one or your relationship.

Find support

Grief is never an easy journey to embark upon. We aren’t meant to grieve alone. Others should mourn with us, and we with them (Romans 12:15). Your journey may be uniquely your own, but that doesn’t mean you need to walk it alone or without help. With support from grief support groups, online forums, educational websites, or blogs, you can find space to explore and understand your grief.

Reaching Out for Help

The people who form your emotional support network such as a spiritual leader, your faith community, your family, and your friends can all be present for you in your time of grief. Likewise, you should also consider consulting a therapist or counselor who specializes in grief. Call our offices today to arrange an appointment. With guidance, you can process your emotions, understand your grief, and learn to cope better.